i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
