Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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