Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
