Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
