Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
