My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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