those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
