My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
