I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize