is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
