My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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