I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
