Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
