Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Someone shattered a urinal.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
