Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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