im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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