Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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