i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Princesses don't give blow jobs
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My vagina just recognized that song.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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