Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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