The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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