apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
this will be a night to untag.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
