I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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