Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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