I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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