You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize