The best revenge is premature balding
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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