I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
