Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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