It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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