Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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