If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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