So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
