how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
