i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
