But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
tell me about the fingering
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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