you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
