My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize