I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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