He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
