I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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