I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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