Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
