dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
