Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
