as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize