If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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