I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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