did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
