It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize