Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
