when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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