I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
