I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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