is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
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