Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
