That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
