Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
