I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
