Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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