Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
