Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
