Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
